why is it all about me off late??

Insecurity brings in a lot of things to ur life.....bitterness, resentment, nagging name it you have it right there :)

It is always abut you and making yourself feel so important cz deep down may be you're not too sure of it yourself. Hello and wait, God has an answer to this. HE says WAIT,Pause and please look back...

If you are insecure it is not from GOD it is from SATAN. He devises ways to tell you all the wrong things about people, life, relationships, everything. Please do not deny the fact that all bitterness, anxiety, resentment , nagging are manifestations of an insecure mind, I'm talking about those few which are due to insecurity.

God has an answer..

Ephesians 2:10
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

One month or one year?

As my mortal mind cant stop thinking for itself, this me, wants to feed some new me...according to what I hear from Bil Cornelius, it takes 3 weeks for something to be a habit and 40 days for it to be our mindset...I wanna try for 40 days to try see if I can somehow convince myself to take a new step, which is solely the responsibility of myself..impacting m own self-being and wellness ..

In this busy business of life, absolutely no one really cares for another human as much a parent or God himself cares. I always prayed my marriage n relationships would be different. I've never dreamed of unrealistic things or fantasies in marriage. But, God has brought us this far..I'm so honored and blessed to have HIM at the center of our relationship... Never dreamed of wanting a big home, loads of money.....n stuff. I guess mine was ore centered around a home of love, care and possibly some time to cherish relations... :) We are a bit stringent on time still, a lot of things happen, new things, new arenas...new people, new tasks...so yea...:) there is HOPE !!!

Put an end to te wait!!!!!!!!

Been waiting for this day, just have B back here means a to..op he understands how much it means to have him around. Some people are rare finds..he is one such, I don't think there i anyone close enuf like him who can be of so much value to me :)

The way he lets me feel confident in myself,
The way he lets me be me some times
The way he lets me take that pc of chocolate at grocery shopping
Th way he lets me speak my mind...well not always i get shunned at times :0

Thou these 10 days have een crazily irksome and bothersome...thou it had to do with him being away, there is this sunny side..I love him . There is this excitement to think that finally the house is gonna be a home :) It feels nice to wait for someone thou I act like I care less... :)

Tomorrow by tis time hopefully all my hue n cry wud come to an end !!!

A daay

My typical day for the last 10 days is pretty much te same...

I get to calls, I wish they read my typical day n see wat I look forward to in a day or days when B's not around. I don't miss much, really, but, in a way that i feel sorry that i dont have someone who genuinely cares wht i feel!!! ohh am I selfish ???

Again I was put on speakers !!!!

I gotta change, stop looking for others to see me, just disappear hahaa..silly me, like she is there but not there lol..in a zap, hmm let me see how to keep myself busy

Tis little person want to be talked ......idle me !!!

Ter is this li'l person in me who is wanting and waiting to be communicated to and to be heard...n my secret place, I long to be there all day and night. The person called Holy Spirit who is the only..yes ONLY reason why my life is meaningful right now. I have a full family, so many people around me but still feel lonely because that one person doesnt seen to have much time these days.

B called me up .... parathy theerkkal??????? I've become from a working mom to a complaint box ..hahaa....down side of umemployment, n a bad example of a christian...I mean he doesn't want me to complain. The silly me .

If there is one relationship that you can always be not tired of or to be loved unconditionally it is in HIM. I feel in relationships on earth, we keep redefining happiness at different stages, that's why you find it hard .

I would want B to make me happy by just being there, now, while 6 years back I would expect him to take me out for a cup of ice cream...or on a dinner :)

We don't see how we change over years, we redefine things, our priorities change. Now, I can't think of a lazy evening leaving kids to do their home work or having exams, so yea, we redefine..... But, I understand now that if spouses take the time to do communicate of realize what has changed, then they can do something to add strength to their relationship, it will truly be recognized.

I've gone far extended myself to ignore myself and waited to talk ...but B is a lot busier now that few years back, he may not get ur signals right now..coz he has to read, talk and counsel, and even manage his sheep..so yea if I wait for my signals to be understood, feelings to be reciprocated, it may not happen always.

That makes me feel I'm still selfish, n not selfless, even after being born-again still carry around that attitude which is bad. Here is the selfish me ranting about my present worry haha :) no one neglects no one but U GET THE IDEA THAT you've become a part of the person that he is unknowingly ignoring...

My typical day when B is around
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
B gets up early like by 5...I get up @ 5 coz baby cries, goes back to sleep, Again get up by 7 to dress up aibz.B takes a shower, has his breakfast, it is cereal, doesnt matter if he gets it or i get it some days(rare) i get to pack him a piece of bread roll..B leaves to work by 7.SO we havent technically talked....Then comes my turn to yell at abel, get h dress, pack is meal, n try to make sure that baby is sleeping till he leaves. Then my day would be a drag, baby crying, me trying to read/pray, be on computer, feed, change diapers, tend to crying baby,then have breakfast n in a way idle away time making sure that my baby doesnt cry.

At 12, B comes to have lunch....
He comes has his lunch, I stay home full time n the only social person I see is B so yea...I see the stay home mom's view a lot better now :) we want to communicate:)

Then again my day drags n pulls, hue n cry to give a shower to abel, make sure he doesnt hurt the baby. It is all fine, n then u wait till it to be 4 ...B gets ome by 5:30 ish...

N I still have not had an uninterrupted sleep..... No lunch naps for me, there are days when I have to finish my lunch by, myself.

At 5:30 B comes has his tea..looks eagerly on to that great television, n then 30 mins goes by for news. Then by 6 pm, time for a bath, n 6:30 time to get dressed, 7 pm hav dinner together..oh atlast some time together :) Was working life was more colorful or it was so crazy that I never searched for time huh? Women should work, so that men will have some peace of mind@!@

Again back to my world.....put off kids to sleep, n me feeling so dull n lifeless inspite of family, beautiful home, a nice villa....but in a few months I can join B where he goes :) so yea holding on for few more months . I try not to sleep when B gets home, it might be 11ish...or late.N we have a session of prayer, n then off to sleep......

sillyme cryin on web ??

The night B left, I almost felt broke, not only coz I would miss him..but my few days looked like it had no beginning and end. Off late, things have crept up that we have been overlooking each other :) late nights, busy meetings :)

N this jobless female has turned more silly, should see ways to creatively make me busy :)

I'm proud of what I've done to the family, this year again I had to remind B to pick gifts for parents...when I first came to B's home there were no b’day celebrations as such.. Wonder if people would remember, its okay but at least there is a tradition now :) I remember B telling me that they don’t do all of that..but now it is common practice that u might have forgotten..I put up it on my mind abt b’days..

But in 5 years there are hardly any time when I got wished by any of them :) well, I guess they need someone to remind them a well :) n it can;t be me obviously :) hahaha..So, yea my b'day gets royally forgotten at home... well yea u can bring abt a new thing at home but u cannot impose it be done on specific people's days, they do remember all their days haha :)

Tis year B almost forgot....he was nearly forced to make a dinner arrangement. …n yea it has been a difficult year for us, so yea expected no gifts from B. Guess should consider the time as a gift..a cozy roof top restaurant sounds like "time"

2 days from my b'day B went shopping for gifts for his folks n brother..don't know why for the fist time I got a li'l green. I guess its not about gifts as such but it kinda made me feel, that I could pass without it hahaa...This break has definielt done more damage than building me up...is it the soaring expenses.??

It was dad n mom’s anniversary…n we picked for them..hahha funny enough, this inane self, for the first time in my entire life, felt envious or neglected not sure which one. N somehow I connected this all to unemployment, bills getting higher each week, every weekend with the grocery bills, we have our eyebrows lifted...and look at each other, as if to ask for an explanation. B is highly organized n can't stand the window shopping, I love to carelessly move m hands over to something

B called to find out if we needed something from India..well, I wanted was a BREAK, a time off from the uncertainties, from home, from kids...a little break.....not many days thought but I feel like I badly needed a break....it would be hard to part with 2 best kids in the whole world :)

one call cleared it all..

Hmmm, a lot better feel healed after a steamy n teary talk..well I don’t want to b emotional but wish to be emotionally stable....B was in the middle of something when I called. I seriously don’t kno why i got teary today...I'm not definitely pregnant again and its not those hormones.

Today morning we went out..We would mean Abel and I with Ani ch n family. I seem TO see the ‘wives’ view now ….I mean I really understand why some women react they way they do…I try to control n be stable most of the time…I try not to take out my stress n emotional composure on others, but sometimes even I let it out..in a way that it spoils the days of silence..hahha so yea I do see that side of life now

The purpose was to go to center point but it was closed so we ended up lulu...I thank god for them coz I would have been all the more sad if I had not gone out today. May be one day, will tell Ani chchn n Chech that this day was really memorable. I was in an emotional disposition but the so called time out made me feel a little better.

No I’m not confessing tha I’ve troubles or any issues. It’s jus that some people enjoy wherever they are, to the fullest. Today was the 9th day…n it was a little teary coz when I spoke, I could feel the jolly good mood n mocking me offended me... What irked me more or bothered me was that it was the speakers, like you don't know who the audience are..is it one person or a group yea, so couldn’t react, I knew there would be people around, n this was like about 9ish…n after that is when I get a call to go for shopping….so my brain worked very slow…..while the shopping hahaha but i was glad that I agreed to join them in shopping :) a time off at least for some time…

It ws actually a busy day than my drab n dull days... till almost 1 pm I was so engaged that I hardly had time….anyways, after that we took off to Kamat Restaurant...had a lovely lunch...

Once I reached home, I was again disturbed wonder if it was acknowledged the fact that it is so dull without anyone home...but hmm, guess that never even crossed their minds :) we all get carried away when we have our holidays don't we :) so yea it just happens...n this time it was me on the receiving end may be that's why it was so hard :) ... A million memories of me doing this to people crossed my mind..I just had to say a word of sorry and asked God to forgive me for being so mean ..and I didnt do it on purpose..

I went around shopping with with all my interest picking the best n getting involved is thou I was the one who was traveling.....So yea retail therapy does work ha even of its not on ur money !!!

Weary n teary

Psychologically not so well......feeling so teary today..dunno why..it is just another one of those passing days. But just felt so lost n tired....

listening to so many motivational n devotional teaching ...n nothing else i guess..... dunno wat...i love my kids..just wanna be nice n not loose my temper or moods on them....

I’m very touchy :)..MORE THAN OTHERS BEING BUSY, ITS ME BEING IDLE !!!

Mommie' time

Ma precious eba gave me a lovely card...n hugged me..As a treat we went out, to get milk, cookies n banana for him...he thinks that I can do things for him if I have a job, aint that cute. Coz he is kinda telling himself mommy wants to get me stuff but she cant since she doesn’t have a job. He is so much like me...the way he holds his tears even if he can or should be crying...

Last Tuesday abt the same time….i was so disturbed sad and wishing that someone would change his mind…lol silly me….

What goes around, comes around??

There has been a lot in the last one week that .a book would not be suffice to fill in all my feelings...nevertheless I'll try to confide a few...

I've been an independent woman for at least sometime, and I happened to be with someone who does it all for me that I'm more or less dependent these days. Well I've no complaints...

Since moving to this new city, I hardly went around ....well not even with company. I hardly went out of my home besides grocery shopping that I feel like I don’t belong here...

All of a sudden the responsibility fell on me that too with a heavy kick that it feels like....throwing tantrums, I’m like a baby still learning to take the first step. Imagine being asked to run that to with a heavy big book!!!

It seems to be a holiday....well the definition of holiday would truly mean some time alone to recuperate...or relieve ur stress....it serves one good to take a holiday....but wonder if people have thought of it this way, Whom do u want to be with on ur holiday?? Who deserves ur time?? Well ur parents do deserve some of ur time esp as they grow older in age they do need ur time, attention n love, of course if the person is married or in a relationship...one would think that some of the time be spent with that person n ...if u do have kids,. they too deserve ur time .....

I'm in that case on a holiday now...long long holiday till my maker decides or tells me its enuf n till he asks me to get back..the only down side is...u don’t get the same pay cheque each month.....no laurels or applause ...hence wonder if it is of

Been married for like nearly 6 years...n I seriously can't think of holidays that I got some time alone :) not even a single business trip that was about family.....hmm wonder if a full time job was the culprit haha.......

Its been a week since B's away..I do miss him, it has kinda made me realize how little time we've spent together. I wish at some point we would benefit from such ...holidays hahha ...in the last 6 years. we’ve never been on our own except for the 7 days in march 2008…the only holiday that seemed like holiday to me…..well we do have a lifetime together........marriage needs constant re-assurance...not only by words ...so some time together would do us a wonderful job :)

My days r the same each day....since B has left...i rise each day ....eat/sleep n then again sleep...n I don't wait for anyone to come home by 5…the same old TV n PC makes my day…n of course my baby…I get 5 or 10mins to call to find out how B’s day was......Te deal is not to complain, just coz my days r dull…I still wake up each morning n say ’thank u lord for this beautiful day’. The last 6 months has been different ....new home, new place, new kid...n no job.

Life teaches us many lessons....nothing ever reciprocates ...what goes around need not come around, always.I try to see n make sure that people are loved n care for, feels odd to me thinking of me hahha ..but I’ve decided to change, I will continue to do what I’m supposed to…every time it hurts I’m jus gonna say that ‘I refuse to be offended by this situation’

Ps 94 :19
In the multitude of my anxieties within me
ur comforts delights my soul....


yea..there were moments this week that i thought i would wanna scream n yell.....but, it was only HIS comforts that carried me through, though the watches of night. There was only one voice. One hand that kept me strong...in fact, itz given me a sense of re-assurance....no matter how many ever 'Good’ people u have they wont be half as good enough as HIM..HE is not a respecter of persons. He LOVES me just that way he does any one else..."

What goes around, comes aroud

Reeled away 5 months !!

Just can't believe that my new baby is 5 months old....ell nearly there in another 48 hours she would be considered as 5month old...well bingo..in one more month, I can start solids, try a bit formula and think of getting small breaks...let's see if this me wants to take a break....

It has been almost a month since I sat down to key in something .....on blogs. It's not just the lack of time, ore lack of interest that stops me from posting, it's just the weird feeling...I've been listening to Joyce Meyer a lot these days, n must say, it has its effect on me, I'm tryin to change .

Some things in life or reactions are just the way it is coz we are hurt for no reason. It is so true that a frustrated person gets mad with small li'l things, it is not that those disrupt your way of life, its just that you don't wanna take another one of those. I've been stuck home for like 6 months, yes partly jobless n some times silly thoughts like B does not have the time for me ...well he does have...i guess its the little me who wants to feel important. I'm most of the time lonely in spite of all the worries n little things in life like kids,their ailments n the like. There is this part of me longing to talk...........or get busy.

Well Just then I hear from Mike Murdock about the meeting up with a person every day in your own house in a secret place...it sounded great, but I'm trying to, meet up with the person called Holy Spirit in my secret place..wow it sounds so nice waiting to meet the person talk to him and feel and tell what i really feel...

Each day looks thee same to me, i wake up, do my routine work n to me it looks like all i do is eat n sleep....n what hurts more is the monotony well just then I confess "I refuse to be offended by this situation, I may not have a single soul to be around with, nor a single soul to share my worries, concerns and my feel, h enemy may try to remind m of all wat I don't have, still, I refuse to be offended...."

Feeling hurt comes naturally to me now tat, even a call to B n he says "What?" in the hurried tone can set me to tears. It shows ...its just me gets me to feel offended but...I'm telling myself that I need to change. I move on...I try to.....forget things that bothers me....well God is my healer, so I trust that he can do it....N there are also moments that i feel so proud being able to bring up my 5 month old...exclusively BF!!! Love that smile she gives me, the shine in her eyes when she sees my face that is what keeps me goin !! The way she can't part with me, this is a first time ever that I feel so wanted, so needed, well, there were days when I looked at her and said to encourage myself "One day we'll walk ahnd in hand and share our secrets". Those were the days that I thought would not end. Those feedings, those sleepless nights, those days in pain, thank God..I am done with that!!! All HE asked me was to 'HAVE A LITTLE FAITH' n yea...it did look like it took 'FOREVER"

it has been 5 months..I feel like I can write a book....esp the last few days has been so a drag ......Since B has left for a short break to India ..It looks like he took away the JOY..hahaha, or is it his way of making us feel like we need to miss him :)

Well things seemed to be going so bad that I really had sleepless n stressful days ...one day I saw that i lost 2 kgs in jus 3 days !!!! We had an episode of power failure, in summer, n no one to call for help. Then, we had this little baby unwell with high fever, thank god for blesson chchan he prayed over her..

Anniversary so late hmm coincidence day??????

It has been ages since I got time 2 spare 4 tis.....I must admit tat I almost forgot that, I have a web confidante, lol anyway, le me get back, filling for those many months that I was off the web… I have a new baby who keeps me really busy.

There were moments that I've mustered to myself wondering ,if i would be able to love another kid....after 4 years of being with one n only Abel. I've asked almost a dozen moms of my generation...n they all said yeah u would...but it seemed hard to digest.Must hav been the same for all of them too...lol anyways, I'm so in love with my girl.

there were days n times when i thought.... I kinda understood wat post partum blues wud be like....it seemed hard, so rough that i could not see past that stage at times. if there was one thing that kept me on, it was the promises I got as I read the scriptures...all HE asked me was a little faith !!!!!N yea....it seemed too much but HE just did it...

Anyways I just can't stop thanking god for what HE has done ....it took me almost 9weeks to heal...ter were days i looked at Aigail..n confessed out 'one day we'll walk hand in hand' ..the umbilical cord infection almost broke n tore me. Though there was a sense of assurance. I couldn’t just handle it well...i was in pain. Seeing my baby in pain was much more than mine...n it was like one after the other after the other....there were things like...latching problem, then to less supply, then to abundant supply n engorgement...gosh!!!!

Sleepless day n nights i must say....nothing could comfort me at times...there was a comfort but the pain was unbearable. I’m thankful that with HIS grace, I could hold on. Well it did seem like i would slip away holding on...but it was those mighty arms that held me....even though it looked like i would fall off...

Dad n mum was my biggest support thee months …I must have hurt them by words, but just want to thank god for them. if it was not for them it would have been a total different story...!! Mummy was day n night by my side....in fact she slept less n worked more than anyone else around ..

I have such a selfless mom. Through the night, u could see her sitting on the bed n holding Abbie, keeping her nappy area open n dry…..as she had bouts of rash !!!

Who else wud be so giving???

Didn’t take them to see around he places for which i still feel so bad abt...We were at home full time doing nothing but tending to baby gailll. It was so sad to see them leave....I've never loved hem so much n felt so helpless in many ways...I din want to make them feel sad. Had so many questions in my mind as hey left..

We moved in to our permanent villa by the end of December.....bejee joined us end of December I attended an interview on 5h Jan....it was sad that I got a regret letter from them :(( it hurt so much the first night but the next day morning i was back to normal.

Jan 6th mom n dad left to India...it was so tough managing the home...with a newborn, toddler, a daddy, mummy n uncle...i had my part time maid to do the cooking but i till didn’t have much time on my hands...n my baby kept crying all the time....

By end of Jan B's mom was home for a week ....she stayed back after the wedding anniversary..:) by then my maid came from india..2weeks of feb has passed...my baby hs been asked to use a set of creams ....yeas he has infantile seborrhea, doc has asked me to stop oil n cream n soap for 20 days..

Feb 14th is like any other day..for us
In the morning B came home at 11...took me out (well for costume hunting!!) to check out for some costumes for Aibz...'Jack n the beanstalk' theme fun day. It was funny, what a waste of time it was, but I got some time with him leaving the kids at home, at an hour we'd never gone out during a working day

it was coincidence that it was valentine's...We'd been given the address of a shop...blame it on miscommunication. On the part of the speaker n the listener...B asked for the shop location..B assumed that the person knew was B was asking...anyways we ended up in a shop asking for costumes. We were like ' do u have any fancy dress' he pointed out to normal outweaar n party wear n told us tat they were 'fancy' !!!! Needless to say that’s when we understood that there was a miscommunication .we came back home after 1 hr of traffic n search ...

By then it was time for my sonny to come. He got around n gave me one big hug n opened his bag n gave me this card. It was so nice to get something from him. Well it was his Ms Norris (Kate Norris) who made them do that @school...but it felt nice n good...

B asked me to be ready for a 2nd round of costume search....n the evening. I was racking my mind to see what could be my plan B incase the costume was not available or too pricey. I made up my mind, wud buy a green tights n fill something to make it look like a bean stalk n fit it around Aibz T-shirt...n pants

B was 2 come by 5..but due to traffic he come by 6..we all rushed out...

In the car again B gave me a pack with 2 things...again I don’t think it was on purpose but B got me a bag n a wall hanging that can hold stuff. Well must say. it was no big a deal but it was nice to get a little gift after one wedding anniversary, a b'day without any so called gifts...We almost furnished the house for my b’day so no chance for gifts n wedding anniversary was a time when my baby was due....

With difficulty finally went to meet the lady...I asked for a giant, bean stalk or...hen. She had hen the price was too reasonable tat i had to take it..

On our way back home we stopped by Anichchs ..as they were leaving to India...nnn....my B had a meeting at 8:30. We didn’t get time to sit together for a meal this day...hahaa...it doesn’t mean anything....after all the business!! He said he wud be back by 10:30 for a light snack...he s one person who wants dinner at 7pm...We couldn’t do this as we were out...

By the time B cam it was 11 ish we were done with dinner n the kids were sleeping. I was sleepy too tat he had 2 ask me to sleep. I woke up at like 2ish wondering n searching for Abigail. B had just walked in after his midnight snack...fruits)...n told e to go back to sleep. I again woke up at 2 am to realize that i forgot to ask/thank B..wanted 2 ask him why he got me the gifts...lol...i hope i will remember 2 ask ..